Managing through the storm; using loss to build resiliency.

Amid COVID -19 it is sensible to say there is not a soul on this planet who has not experienced a significant loss or death and is moving through the motions of grief. How is anticipatory grief impacting our daily lives as we continue to move through this crisis.

“Fate whispers to the warrior “you cannot withstand the storm” the warrior whispers back, “I am the storm”

A special friend recently shared with me one of her favorite quotes, “Fate whispers to the warrior “you cannot withstand the storm” the warrior whispers back, “I am the storm””. I love a powerful metaphor to guide me in times of crisis. Metaphors are healing in that they tell a story through a different perspective and move us forward into improving our understanding of ourselves and world around us. I guarantee if you remember nothing from this article chances are you will remember that metaphor and what it means to whisper “I am the storm.”

The storm. One we all know it, were all in it, we don’t even really have to introduce it but I will. In January 2020 mother nature threw us the COVID-19 storm. A nasty, invisible, deadly force that screams “I don’t discriminate” and is lurking at every corner of the globe. Over the past several months our entire planet has been affected with a cascade losses and disappointments. Due to mandatory stay at home orders and fears of infection, the entire globe responded with the closure of schools leaving students mourning all their activities, sports, and graduations. Hospitals and clinics cancelling surgeries and noncritical doctor visits. Headlines and media fueling our fears that the worst is yet to come. Many of us sitting in angst and worry asking ourselves, “Will we ever get back to normal?” Will we go to school or church again?”, “Will I get to move into the dorm in August and go back to college”. So many anticipatory questions followed by empty…unresolved answers.

It is sensible to say there is not a soul on this planet who has not experienced a significant loss or death and is moving through the motions of grief. There is a type of grief that particularly stands out right now called anticipatory grief. Usually when we talk about anticipatory grief, we are referring to feelings that a person experiences before a loss, and typically the impending loss is death. Anticipatory grief is the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors one has after a poor prognosis or diagnosis of a terminal illness. The person and/or members of the family and extended relationships may experience a period of grief as they emotionally prepare to say goodbye. For this moment, I want to broaden the scope in which anticipatory grief is touching the lives of all of us in the backdrop of COVID-19.

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When you lay down at night do your thoughts swirl like a brewing storm in your mind. What have you been asking yourself and what empty answers keep you awake at night? Have your uncertainties contributed to increased anxiety, fear, sadness, or anger? Are you forgetful, isolating, sleeping more or less, eating more or less? Is fear and resentment looming inside you? My mind is a breeding playground for anticipatory grief and anxiety.

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There is another metaphor circulating social media that went viral recently, “We might all be in the same storm, but we are not in the same boat”. I read several opinion pieces and followed social media threads of this subject and initially interpreted this notion through a lens of social justice, with a focus on racial disparities and inequalities. After all I am a social worker, it is not just a career but a mindset that sometimes has me intellectualizing everything I read, and miss the simple lesson. As a result, I was innocently shaming, mostly myself, and labeling people’s experiences on a continuum of “who has it worse.” then minimizing the very loss inside me and my family. In consoling my oldest child as her boat started to sink, overflown by loss, and said “There is a silver lining…you still have senior year to make all these memories come true. Imagine how all the seniors are feeling right now.”. What a terrible statement! I know better! As a junior she missed 8 weeks of learning, missed her prom, her state color guard competition, ACT exam, dance recital, and her upcoming senior trip to London was cancelled (…just to name a few!). She still has a great life without those things, right? It is those things make up her life at 17 years! I looked at her losses as less significant than those dying and or near death due to COVID, but her losses are the heart of soul of who she is. A dancer, a performer, a student, a teen, a girlfriend. All the roles she plays in her life was taken away. Her loss was death. Shame on me. I may have read those articles, but I sure wasn’t listening to the message. When you don’t know what to say that is helpful please learn the art of “holding space” and say nothing.

More on holding space here: https://upliftconnect.com/hold-space/

The “same storm different lifeboat analogy” is so simple and easily accomplished using a lens of compassion and validation vs. who has it worse. The outcomes of having those conversations are more powerful and healing. My agenda today is to promote an uprising of self-compassion for the benefit of building resiliency both by interpersonal (with others) and intrapersonal (within ourselves) experiences. We are in the same storm and our lifeboats carry varied troubles all of which matter and are valid.

In the midst of my personal COVID storm I lost my grandmother, the matriarch of my father’s generation. Unable to attend her funeral, so had to reorganize and mourn with my family through a Zoom funeral. I lost my job as a medical social worker in a local hospital. I continue to fear I won’t return to or find fulltime employment due to broad cuts in my profession. I anticipate monetary hardships in my immediate future. Close friends and family members around me are also drowning in loss from divorce, custody battles, death, and small business closings.

So the question now is “how do I manage through all this and build resiliency?” I designed a mindfulness exercise that is helping me cope through my ‘pandemic associated’ loss. I hope it is as helpful for you as it was for me.

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As we go through this mindfulness exercise I want you to talk to yourself like you would your best friend. Be willing to fully expose your personal vulnerabilities to yourself. Find a quiet comfortable spot without disruption for about 15 minutes.

1). Now just sit quietly with your thoughts and without any judgement let any feelings and thoughts, wash in and dissolve with each breathe you take. Breathe quietly for 7 full belly or diaphragmatic breathes. Diaphragmatic breathing is a proven technique to reduce stress and calm the body. For a quick lesson click here:

2). Take a moment to take an inventory of losses that way heavy on you. What thoughts or feelings have you experienced in recent moments when you felt a sense of loss or grief? Say them out loud and also write them down.

3). Now that you have sat with the feelings or thoughts that have been in your way let us assess how you are managing the situation/feeling. Are there things you are doing that are fueling those negative thoughts and feelings making you feel worse? Write those down in one column. What things are you doing that are improving your thoughts around that loss giving you a sense of hope or enjoyment? Write these in another column.

4). We no longer will give time, energy, or consideration to the things that do not provide us with a long-term sense of progress. The challenge will be to focus your energy and attention to those positive efforts that help you feel more resilient and capable. This is your new resiliency to-do list that you will continue to incorporate in your everyday life. ***Remember you are still talking to yourself as a best friend, so hold yourself accountable like you would a friend.

DEEPER LOOK...

If you are stuck finding positive things to add to your resiliency to do list here are three areas to evaluate in your life: improve, reorganize, and recover. As you walk through making your new list it is important to make sure you put things on your list that you can achieve and refrain from thinking about what you can’t do.

IMPROVE: Level up a skill you already have or have neglected to practice. If you are like me you have the “I usta” complex. You know all those things you “usta” do and for whatever reason you don’t do anymore. Reengage in those activities that once gave you joy and happiness and spend additional time on that skill. Whether it is practicing an instrument, running additional 5 minutes, or learning words or phrases in a language you once spoke. Read about a subject you enjoy or learn a new recipe. Improve on your current amazing self and like my daddy always said…practice makes progress. Get out there and make progress.

REORGANIZE: Don’t rely on your memory especially during times of increased stress and anxiety. Plan your day/week/month to achieve maximum productivity. If you tend to procrastinate use lists and stick to them. Make an intentional effort to practice “mise en place” putting things in their designated place to stay caught up on chores. Clean up your social media by taking a break from the headlines and people that drain you.

RECOVER: Take the time to refresh and replenish. Add a fruit or veggie with each meal and increase water intake. Have you been enjoying a few extra cocktails? Try and limit alcohol consumption with a mocktail in a cocktail glass. Surround yourself with people who inspire. Commit to an exercise routine, journal, set achievable daily goal of 3 minutes of breath work/mindfulness/prayer twice a day. Call a friend up for coffee instead of a cocktail, be with nature, forgive someone.

A good healthy brain should process any loss so it can continue to heal and get ready for the next challenge ahead. And when we see ourselves and our fellow neighbor in the boat next to us; honor whatever stressors and hardships they share without judgement. This will build compassion and empathy. Share your resiliency to

-do list and help others develop their own.

BE THE STORM!