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Teachable Moments in Sexual Health

  • Writer: Michelle Asby
    Michelle Asby
  • Jun 3, 2020
  • 6 min read

Updated: Jun 9, 2020


When I was a grad student at University of Kansas I had a phenomenal practicum working for a private practice group called Turner Professional Group. TPG was partnered by certified sex therapists, Dr. George Turner and Dr. Lisa Meyers, who prior to their doctoral work in sexual health, had graduate degrees in social work. Together they opened a practice to support their communities mental and sexual health needs. They took in interns with open arms and gave us the space to practice our clinical skills and pushed us out of out comfort zone.


As the student therapist one of my regular assignments was to write for the TGP Blog called "On the couch". This was my very first opportunity to publish my writing. I called my series "Teachable Moments: A Parents Ally in Nurturing a Child's Curiosity". My kids were at the ages of saying the "darnedest things" and I loved how their minds were shaping and the funny questions they would ask. I was excited to write about my adventures in parenting as it related to sexual health. My challenge was not that I couldn't make it relevant to all things sex related. The challenge was getting "naked" with a broad audience and write with transparency about how I talked to my kids about sexual health. As a parent we don't always get it right, and I was about to put my parenting style on parade for all to see and judge.


As I developed the blog my focus was to give insight on my parenting philosophies. I coined by strategy approachable parenting because when it comes to supporting my kids I wanted them to know I vowed to always be approachable no matter the topic. I wanted to be the person they turned to for help. I wanted to be the best friend and the wise parent that guided their hearts and minds. I wrote about how I handled those precarious moments when kids ask the hard questions like "So you have three kids that means you only did it with dad 3x right? With that I set sail with the science of positive psychology guiding my way.


Teachable Moments was birthed on November 12th 2014. I wrote in a sex positive tone about consensual intimacy, mating, flirting, make out sessions, puberty, breaking down gender norms, all in the context of developmental appropriate conversations with my kids. They were leading the topics of discovery so the content came naturally. I also drew from my memories as a kid and one of my favorite posts "Keep calm its only a vulva" was about the importance of using anatomically correct names for our body parts because calling our lady bits a winkle is not helpful...do you know that vulva is also a winkle? Exactly! Read about how my 3rd grade friend got her period at a school picnic and told our male teacher her winkle was bleeding. 


Click here for the full read of "KEEP CALM ITS ONLY A VULVA"

My favorite blog post was probably talking with my 11 year old daughter about my first make out session. It was one of two pivotal moments that has set the stage for us to have a trusting and open relationship about sex. The second was when she found some pornographic pictures and videos after searching up "twerking" on Google. She is 17 now and I am so proud of the conversations we have had over the years. My philosophy on approachable parenting has created a safe space for us to be vulnerable and reduce feelings of dread or burden. It also helped me dive back into those moments when I was her age and really connect to her reality through my own memories. I talk about "momnesia" in the context of loosing sight of who we were as teenagers and young adults sans kids. I didn't realized how bad my momnesia was after finding an old diary while packing for a move in 2018. It chronicled the summer after graduating high school. Did I ever have a fun summer ... now I know why I blocked it out! 


Click here to read the "First Kiss"

A Quick Segway: Parenting Styles

I have enjoyed studying and understanding parenting styles in both professional and personal context. I have used this graph with parents and youth in therapy to help them identify their parenting strategies and evaluate their effectiveness within their family system. I tend to move through a few different parenting styles as my kids enter different stages in their development. Overall I am authoritative in nature but with a touch of permissive and authoritarian depending on the day! I am pretty sure just last week I made the statement "Go figure it out!" and "Because I said so!" to my teenager who was making excuses not to get a job. During COVID-19 virtual learning, I initially took the permissive route and gave my kids lots of space, few rules, and ability to design their own school day at home. By week 4 I had made a complete about face and put the hammer down creating schedules, check lists, taking phones away, and even stood over my son to ensure his school work was getting done. I have a tendency to allow my kids the room to make their own mistakes. Even as toddlers they were given a pretty long leash and I didn't enforce strict bedtimes and let them be kids. However as young adults when I see them crash and burn I tend to feel as if I need to pick up the pieces and suddenly become over involved.



My husband on the other hand tends to micromanage - holding regular check ins to ensure deadlines and tasks are completed. If those tasks are met to his expectations he loosens up some but has a slight autocratic approach. My eldest tends to have strong ego strength and internal drive to set and attain goals. She is patient and doesn't require immediate response to meet her needs. She can't keep her room clean for 5 minutes and is a total slob but she requires little parenting. My middle child and son tends to be dis-regulated at times, desires lots of attention, affection, and wants immediate response to his needs. I am in the authoritative with strong hint of authoritarian quadrant with him. My baby girl wears the pants. She is a bit sassy yet eager to please, more of a risk taker, and mentally hardy. I do not parent them equally because the reality is parenting is not one dimensional and neither are our little humans.


After 17 years of parenting I have learned that there is no magic book that teaches how to do it right! I know for my and my family approachable parenting perspective has been the most rewarding experience. This is my personal and tenants of approachable parenting:


  • Be willing to stop what you are doing and listen. Schedule time if needed or utilize dinner to provide conversation opportunities.

  • Open lines of communication and the promise to provide honest information to them even if it makes you feel uncomfortable and vulnerable is key.

  • Be prepared to wear a poker face ... especially the face of judgement! Don't respond with things like "Please tell me you didn't do that!"

  • Accept that their values might not always exactly line up with you even after modeling those to them. In approachable parenting your child might come to you with something like "I am going to have sex will you help me be safe."

  • Radically accept what they throw at you, and don't be afraid if you don't have the answers; find them together don't send them away without providing facts so they can make informed decisions.

  • Talk about resiliency. Give them examples of their past when they may have made a mistake and how they improved or grew from it.


For more of my writings on Teaching Moments and how I handled talking to my kiddos about sexual health check out the other blog entries:
















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